Tommy's Momma

Hello!?! Is anyone there?

I know, it’s been so long since I’ve been here – sorry those sideshow distractions http://wordwithmindy.blogspot.com/2013/02/sideshow-distractions.html got me again!

So yesterday was my son’s birthday – well, it would have been if he was still here and not in Heaven.  (If you haven’t read it, for a little info on the loss of my son – and some helpful tips on grief, please see my blog: Good Grief.  http://wordwithmindy.blogspot.com/2013/02/happy-sunday-to-you-all-how-are-you-all.html)

Anyway – so first thing in the morning I posted a blurb and a few photos on Facebook, just to acknowledge the importance of the day to me and affirm my somewhat rekindled feelings of grief.  Even though it has been many years, this day, and the anniversary of the accident still give me pause each year.  I find myself browsing through old photographs, old handmade mementos, sweet memories of my son’s little-boy laughter, the feeling of holding him in my arms, the unique and wonderful way he said “momma” in his little boy southern drawl.

This precious and sweet little boy was only 9 years old when he left us for Heaven.  But I realize today that in those short 9 years of his life, this child has left a lifetime of wonderful, sweet, fun, heartwarming, endearing memories, and footprints upon my heart to cheer my heart and spirit, every moment of every day. Yes, I have so much of him still!  He is still in my heart, in my mind, in my soul <3 

I also realize today that it is not really grief that I feel any more.  Yes, there is yet a feeling of sadness.  And yes, my eyes still brim and spill the beautiful cleansing tears when I look at his pictures, touch his jean jacket, wander the memories in my heart. 

But what I realize today that I have not seen before is, that along with that sadness, along with those tears, there is joy. 

Sweet, marvelous, enveloping joy.

The joy that was Tommy, the joy that was my child, my son.  The joy of the time I spent with him.  The joy of holding him.  The joy of watching him grow.  The joy of being his “momma.” 

The joy of knowing that wherever he is, on earth or in Heaven, he is my son. 

He will always be my son. 

And he will always be with me

No matter where he is.

No one can ever take that from me.

I bask in and cherish the knowledge that while he was on this earth, I got to be his momma.  No, the time was way too short, but I will always be grateful and thankful for the time I got to be Tommy’s momma.

So, from this moment on, I will embrace the joy that was my son,

I will allow the smile to take over my face as I think of him,

I will laugh as I pick up and caress his jacket upon my cheek,

And I will know the tears which fill my eyes – even now as I write this – are not because I desperately grieve for the loss of a child – but rather they are the tears of joy and happiness of a beautiful time spent with a most beautiful and exquisite little boy – Tommy.

Because I am Tommy’s Momma!